Dogs: Evolution’s Oversight

Dogs are stupid. Just throwing that out there. They’re cute, loyal, and social; they’re also dumb as rocks.

Allow me to explain.

I recently got a dog (if you’re wondering, her name is Maggie, and she’s a Shetland Sheepdog). While my dog is very cute and fun to play wiht, she is extremely stupid. I may be used to living with a cat (which is usually very intelligent), but God almightly is she stupid. What animal other than a dog would throw up from eating bad mushrooms, and then go back to take another go at them? For that matter, what animal would throw up from eating bad mushrooms, and then try to eat the vomit? How did dogs ever survive in the wild? How do stray dogs survive on their own nowadays? I don’t know if Charles Darwin ever owned a dog, but if he did, he might’ve thought twice about his theory of evolution.

What I Am Up To: A Slow, Painful Death

My Xbox 360 has recently died of Redringitis. Redringitis is a common affliction among Xboxes, and so it did not surprise me very much to see it die. After a short memorial service, I sent it to Microsoft to get it replaced.

It’s been a few weeks since then, and the lack of games made after 2005 is starting to get to me. I’ve had to replay all my old original Xbox games. Because I’ve already played them, I know everything that happens in them. This is a much bigger hindrance than you would think. I’m dying on the inside.

Fortunately, I’ve gotten word that a new Xbox 360 is in the mail. I hope it comes soon. I won’t survive much longer.

FYI

You may be wondering why I haven’t been posting any new entries on here lately. I would like to say it’s because I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching. But really it’s because my Internet connection has been actively preventing me from using any fun websites. But here I am again, and I won’t be leaving anytime soon, just like the dead animals my cat brings to my door (I, too, smell bad and taste worse).

So, while the overall low quality of my work may not improve, the volume of it will, because summer’s coming, which means more free time to waste on here.

I hope you all look forward to it as much as I do.

Writing Blocks

I have writer’s block. And I hear that it doesn’t help to write about having writer’s block.
But I’m going to anyway. Because that’s who I am.

(I apologize for the low quality of this post)

Have Fun and Make Friends Planning your Funeral

I’ve recently decided to start planning my funeral on this blog. That way, if I die, random strangers who’ve taken an interest in me can help to fulfill my final wishes! Hooray!

Today, I’ll start with my tombstone. On my tombstone, I want it to read as follows:

Jamie Moore

Born: 1 AD

Died: Only in the physical world

Lives On In: Your hearts and Minds

Lived In: The Land of Winds and Ghosts

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself. That and the swine flu.”

Pretty kickass grave, right?

MCAS Test

Note: This is a fake test making fun of the standardized test in place in Massachusetts. Under no circumstances should you actually try to answer it, because you will die. Also, it was written in 2007 (or sometime close to that) so it makes fun of Republican (and the Bush administration) a lot. Don’t take it seriously.

MCAS Test

(MCAS stands for Mostly Crappy Academic Stuff)

Name:

Remember, on this test, you will have to follow the instructions EXACTLY, even the typos. We at the Board of Education put them here on purpoooose.
Also, do whatever the teacher says in the cryptic, hard-to-read instructions we give them, but they never read. We’ve started putting the nation’s nuclear launch codes in there, and the teachers don’t notice! Ha!
Anyway, to reiterate (that particular big word means “to restate”), just follow instructions, and have fun! Obey! (Edited by the Presidental Council on Absolute Loyalty, otherwise known as PCAL)
And above all, believe in yourself you suck!

 Multiple Choice

1. Consider this passage from the nonexistent accompanying reading material:
“And lo and behold, rising up into the heavens, we saw a host of neon signs, and fully realized that, by the grace of merchandising, we had finally reached Vegas.”

What do you interpret this to mean?
a) The evil corporate scum rule America.
b) The author of the selection has a gambling addiction?
c) Vegas is a fun place to be, while you throw your money down the many diverse holes that we lovingly call “casinos” because “glorified bar” sounds too classy.
d) “lo” is a slang term for “low” or occasionally “loam”.

 2. If you were stupid enough to answer Question 1 with “d” do you deserve Essay Question #3? Which we just assigned to those of you who DID answer “d”?
a) Yes, those idiots deserve it.
b) No, they need to be given a break slap on the face! (Edited by PCAL)
c) Hey, what happened to “d”?

 3. If we at the Board of Education PCAL had decided to replace the words “host of neon signs” with “host of evil communists” would the nonexistent reading selections still make sense?
a) Yes, because anything that calls communists evil is very, very good.
b) No, because it is just another example of American Cultural Imperialism.
c) No, because it is just another example of Republican Lies.
d) It doesn’t matter, because the test graders have gotten so bored with reading test after test after test written by so many snotty children who don’t even know how to conjugate the verb, “to squat” in Latin, and so they have turned to bourbon.

 

Short Answer

4. Why use bourbon to ward off the intense boredom? Vodka is more widely available.

 

 

5.  Did John really bury Paul (McCartney)?

 

 

6. If so, how it is John who is now dead, and Paul (McCartney) who has yet another record out?

 

 

Long/Open Answer Question

There are different Long/Open answer questions that we will assign to you all. Just do yours, or, if you really want the grading people to hate you, do them all. Remember to use boring, overused expressions and to consult the nonexistent essay tips if when you get stuck.

 

1. What economic factors contributed to China America becoming a major world power?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Either one of the 2008 Democratic Republican candidates will make history if elected. Which is your favorite candidate and why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. (Just for those of you who decided to answer “d” on question 1)

What factors could have affected your decision to chose the really, really, incredibly stupid Democrat-like answer to question 1, and what other factors prompted my revenge action of giving you the hardest long/open answer question? After you are done, do pushups too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note to Students from the Board of Education (And PCAL!)
Well, you survived. (Except for the ones who suffered immediate brain tumors and quickly died) And, if you followed all the instructions, are a registered Republican or recently made a large cash “contribution” to the Republican Party (Note: It is best to do both.), then you should do fine! (Provided you have an I.Q. of 160).
And, now that you are done, go outside and enjoy recess mandatory organized prayers, even if the teacher says not to!

Worried

I’ve been worried about a few things lately:

1. That my internet will freak out on me and I will not be able to access this blog (as has happened to me on Facebook);
2. That the entire human race will become addicted to Twitter and not do anything and perish due to prolonged negligence of basic needs, such as food and water and human contact that is not over a computer (follow my tweets on Twitter!);
3. That I will forget to post things here, and all my (imaginary) readers will become hateful and annoyed at me;
4. That life as I know it could go to hell in any manner.

I should chillax more often.

Thought Dominance Theory

Today, I have a brain theory I have been thinking about for a while. I’m not sure how much of this is stolen and how much is original thought, so bear with me.

My Thought Dominance Theory©, is a new way of thinking about the human brain. It states, in effect: 

1. Every time you learn a new piece of information, you lose a piece of information;
2. The information you lose will be of equal size or importance to the new piece;
3. You can control what information you lose or keep by memorizing what you want to keep;
4. But that sometimes doesn’t work.

As you can see, the basic idea is quite simple. It’s roughly equivalent (in terms of brain real estate) to, say, the causes of World War I (quite simply, it was pretty much an accident). However, it does get a little more complicated, so prepare to forget the Revolutionary War (we hate the King!).

The idea central to my theory is that the brain can only effectively store a certain amount of information at a time. The amount differs from person to person, and can be expanded or shrunk by certain things (ex. doing brain exercises expands it, watching American Idol shrinks it). Also, repetition reinforces things that are clearly useless in real life (for example: absolutely all of algebra), so you end up remembering that instead of something useful.

So that’s my theory. Makes sense now, doesn’t it? Not really.

Simply Disappointing

The newspaper disappointed me today. Not that it never does. It’s just not a regular occurrence. It disappointed me in a strange way this time, but in a way similar to the ways other newsthingies tend to disappoint me: by covering fashion. Not on the front page, but in a large segment nonetheless. This is scary. I don’t read the newspaper to see an incredibly detailed column about the significance of the new line of shoes from Armani. I read it to see news on American Idol international political affairs. To me, an article on fashion looks like this: 

“As the model strutted down the runway, we could all see the simply stunning new line of shoes, and also the ravishing new koala-skin handbag. The clothes are all incredibly ugly, and the models are all wearing makeup that makes them look like fashionable spectres from a horrible sunless world, but we all know who will be wearing these random assortments of fabric later on: nobody with any sense whatsoever.”

I simply cannot fathom why anyone would a) Enjoy reading this; b) Have any interest in this, or c) Like the look of the clothes. I’ll admit, I’m not “into” fashion like some people are, and I actually sometimes get excited when a new videogame is announced, but please. At least a game provides entertainment. Half the models in these things aren’t even good-looking, and if they are, the ghastly white makeup completely obscures it! And the clothes are fantastically ugly. Take watching these things on TV. Even if I watched purely for the entertaining off-chance that one of the reporters got speared with a high-heel shoe, it wouldn’t be worth trying to decipher fashion-talk. And no matter how funny it may be to watch people wear, with utmost seriousness, a clown costume, it is no substitute for real people wearing real clothing doing funny things on TV. I don’t want Time to provide a lengthy description on the newest Gucci handbag (made from freshly skinned pandas!). I want actual news.

I Need a Name

A name for my new airsoft gun, that is. I’ve taken to naming my (airsoft) guns, and I just got a new pistol. I’ve carried it around pretty much all day, and I just need a name for it. Anyone who can come up with a good name for it, post it as a comment.

(In case you want to know, my assault rifle is named Black Betsy, and my submachine gun is named Jim)